As I was on the way down the esclators this morning to get the train at Porter Square I noticed that the guy in front of my did a kind of gallop down the stairs.

(Slightly jumpy) Right-left-right.
*Pause*
(Slightly jumpy) Right-left-right.
*Pause*

I almost laughed, watching him from behind. I also was not sure exactly what to do behind him. I had to change my straightforward pattern of just walking down the escalator with no stops so that I didn’t mimick his style but to also make sure I wasn’t right behind him. I wonder if he’s aware that he has that pattern.

As odd as it may sound, when I lose a friendship that once meant a lot to me it affects me the way losing a romantic relationship does: it breaks my heart. I’ve only had this happen twice, and both times were friends I had in college.

The first one was my roommate from freshman year. Our start was a little rocky but from around December through the remainder  of the year we were INSEPARABLE and had such a good time together. The second year we lived together for some reason, that all changed. To this day, I still don’t know why she woke up one day and decided that she had no interest in being friends. I have an idea that it had something to do with the other people we moved in with our second year. The girls were very different from me and I guess she decided that she’d rather hang with them. I wound up moving out in the middle of the year because I was so hurt and because they were just plain MEAN to me. It took some time, but I got over it. However, seeing her after that was difficult, especially when trying to be civil in classes and whatnot. Luckily, I think that’s all fine and I can honestly say that things probably are fine as is. I used to go to the same gym and would see her every so often. Now, if I see her around Boston I don’t hesitate to say hi. However, I know that if we ever were to become friends again there’s NO WAY it would happen without having the ‘What the f*ck happened in college?’ talk.

The other person was someone I met my first year and lived with twice during college. She and I were not inseparable, but we were very similiar in our sense of humor and had a really good time together. When we lived together our last year in college we had a great time until she started dating someone about halfway through the year. All of the sudden, she no longer wanted to be friends. She would cancel plans, not invite me along when she went out with people I knew through her, and basically cut off all social interaction with me. I couldn’t understand why and again to this day, I still don’t know why. I wonder sometimes if because she started dating a guy who was older that maybe it made her realize that she didn’t want to interact with college students anymore. I really have no idea, but I can’t help but think it must have had something to do with me personally because we could always go off and do our own thing that wasn’t very ‘college-y.’ All in all, it was just extremely hurtful.

Anyway, as it happens, I know after graduation that she’d moved away from Boston and then back again. She’s been here for a while and we have not run into one another. However, I saw her on the T the other day. I was caught so offguard and did not feel prepared for it. Luckily, I was wearing my headphones and was reading so I didn’t actually have to be confronted with it. That seems to be what I do when I don’t feel prepared to come face to face with something likethat. It was the craziest thing; my  heart actually jumped to my throat. I know that most of it has to do with the fact that I don’t know WHY we’re not friends anymore. At this point, I guess all I can really do is assume that she had no desire to maintain a friendship with me anymore and just accept that.

I’ve been recently reading my old entries in my livejournal. Naturally, she’s in there a lot and I documented a lot of good times we had together. It makes me kinda sad to read it. Again, I think a really huge part of it is that there’s no rhyme or reason, in my eyes. There was no fight, no confrontation, nothing. It just happened and I felt powerless, like I didn’t have a choice in the matter.

I’ve thought about trying to reconnect with her, but I have to believe that if she wanted a friendship with me that she would contact me. From what I knew of her then, she would put herself out there and try things out to see what would happen. I guess I’m also afraid that if I do reach out and she again decides she has no interest in a friendship it will still hurt.

Gah, life.

Its come to my attention that I definitely have trouble when dealt with too many options. There are a few things that I think I would be interested in doing when it comes to grad school. For some reason, I have it programmed in my head that having many interests is automatically a bad thing. For the longest time I’ve thought, ‘Well, I don’t have the money to put into school especially if it’s something that I don’t know I can see myself doing with my life.” This whole time I’ve thought that just working a job that I didn’t love would give me time to explore other things and something would just come to me. It hasn’t and I’m still waiting. The time to wait is over and it’s time that something is DONE about my future. After all, no one except me can make those changes and get my life on track.

On a lighter note, I was telling Maria earlier that my Lipstick Jungle marathon has caused me (at least temporarily) to want to dress really classy and put-together. I guess that’s what really inspired me to wear these shoes yesterday:

I really love these shoes. I just need to get some more brown pants that I could wear with these and I’d be all set.

mot juste \moh-ZHOOST\, noun:
a word or phrase that exactly fits the case

I’m happy to give some examples of motjustes

                                                      spawn of Satan –> Sarah Palin
                                       amazingly talented band –> Coldplay
food that without it the world would be quite sad –> cheese

Ok, so whether or not I used that word properly is up in the air but the concepts are true!

Oh snap, I’ve been tagged by Allie.

Holy crap, I’m such a nerd because I don’t know how these things work.
The rules of tagging:
1. Link to tagger & display these rules in your post.
2. Share 5 facts about yourself – some random, some weird.
3. Tag 5 people at the end of your post by including links to their blog.
4. Let them know they’ve been tagged by leaving them a comment.

5 Random Facts about me:
1. I’m a sucker for music with string instruments, specifically cello.
2. I get very fired up when I feel human rights are violated (whether my own, or those of others.)
3. I’ve never dyed my hair red.
4. I don’t like any foods that end in the sound ‘o-atoes.’
5. I prefer DD coffee to Starbucks, but I prefer Starbucks fun drinks to DD fun drinks.

ahhhhh, how do I tag people??

I just remembered a song off Morrissey’s You Are the Quarry album in which he expresses some harsh but true views on America titled “America is Not the World.” The lyrics that really got me when I first got that album were:

In America, the land of the free, they say
Land of opportunity in a just and a truthful way
But where the president Is never black, female or gay
And until that day you’ve got nothing to say to me
To help me believe…

It’s happening and we’re evolving.
Here’s to a hopeful and progressive 4 years.

BELIEVE.

relieved

I won’t go on and on about how happy I am that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I cannot wait until January when Barack Obama is sworn in and our nation can get back on its way to being a great nation.

I never realized it until this moring; this administration has made me hesitant to call myself an American. That’s an awful thing! When I studied abroad I never wanted to offer that information because I could FEEL people saying, ‘Ohhhhhh’ in their heads.

I don’t blame other nations for looking at us and thinking what they think. F*ck, if I were them I’d think it too. Now I finally feel proud and ready to scream it from the rooftops not only because we finally have a president who will get things done, is intelligent and understands what it’s like to come from nothing and get to the highest and most important job in the nation, but he also completely broke boundaries and we can say that history is being made when the American people decided to elect a black president.